What I Learned from Marrying Young: Marriage Lessons After 19 Years
Marrying young is a gift that shapes you in ways you never expected. Here’s why I’m glad I married young, and what I’ve learned along the way.
19 years ago today we got married. I was 20, he was 22. Several people told us we were too young. One of my high school mentors who I really respected even came to my house and tried to caution me, telling me to wait until I was older & more mature. Thankfully all of our family was supportive.
What It’s Really Like Marrying Young
We were the first of all our millennial friends to get married and have babies. When you marry young, many people think it’s rash, you’re clueless, that it won’t last, that you don’t truly know yourself, that you can’t do it on your own financially, that you’re not really “ready.”
When I look back at that time, yes I was super young and clueless about a lot of things. But I knew in my heart that marrying him was the best decision I would ever make, aside from following Jesus. The wisdom of younger me has proven true daily for 19 years.
Our rehearsal dinner in July 2007.
Richard & I grew up together. We started off as best friends and had a blast ministering and traveling together. But overseas on the mission field and in the years that followed, we were faced with heavy trials that would either make or break a lot of young marriages. We had no family support to cling to, only each other. I’m so thankful that experience brought us even closer.
Over the years our relationship has faced significant health issues, ministry stress, and more. We have definitely been tested. Beyond that, we always seemed to be at a different life stage than our peers, and moving frequently presented its own set of challenges and loneliness. But it caused us to cling to each other even more. When all you have is God and each other, you become connected in ways you never imagined.
The Challenges of Marrying Young
Marrying young isn’t for everyone. The right time to marry is when two people know each other deeply, accept each other’s gifts & flaws, and are spiritually and emotionally ready for a lifelong commitment.
There are challenges to marrying young: you’re still figuring out who you are, and your life experience is limited. Things are harder financially, and you’re both learning to communicate, manage conflict, and work together as a team.
Thankfully I knew Richard’s character, that he was a true man of God, and that we are compatible and best friends. Sadly, some couples get married young without this foundation, and without truly knowing the person they are marrying. My prayer for my children is that they not only marry a Christian, but marry someone genuine, with good character, who loves them for who they are, and when the time is right for them.
But if you’re blessed enough to find the right person at a young age, you know their character, and the timing is right, marrying young can be a huge blessing. While getting married young has its challenges, it was the right decision for us. We spent lots of time in prayer, discussion, and counseling as we approached this decision.
The Benefits of Marrying Young
There are several things about marrying young that are such a gift I’m so glad I was able to experience.
1. Growing Up Together
I feel marrying young really cemented us as a couple. We were independent of our parents from day one, and in some ways, we “grew up together.” We matured into adulthood together and became a cohesive unit instead of trying to merge two already established lives.
3. More Memories & Shared History
Because we’ve been together half our lives at this point, we share so many memories and life experiences. This has created a unique family story and legacy we can reflect on and pass down to our children.
4. Stronger Partnership
Our marriage is definitely stronger now as we approach 20 years. We’ve already weathered some tough storms and come out on the other side, deepening our trust in each other. I’m looking forward to what the next 20 years will bring with all the wisdom we are able to carry into the future.
5. Growing in Maturity
It’s been so much fun watching each other grow and change in each stage of adulthood. We’ve learned patience, grace, and how to love even when it’s hard. Often, we remark that mentally and emotionally, we feel older than our actual age. Several people have commented this to us as well.
6. Weathering Hard Seasons
Because of everything we’ve weathered together, we’ve learned resilience and that love is so much more than a feeling. We’ve seen God’s faithfulness in every storm and this has given us confidence for the future.
It’s like we’ve had a “head start” in life – we’re just hitting our 40’s, and we REALLY know each other! And still have a lifetime to go! We often talk about how many couples are just starting out at our age, and we feel so blessed to have had nearly two decades to enjoy each other in the prime of our lives.
Every day I’m thankful for that 20 year old girl & 22 year old boy who said yes, and who kept saying yes daily even when life was tough.
Marriage Advice After 19 Years
Here’s some real life marriage advice after 19 years (I know many of you have been married much longer, so please share your advice in the comments.)
1. A foundation of faith is KEY.
With God as our Rock, we made it through situations that would’ve felt impossible otherwise. Pray together, study together, and have a heart that is always open and receptive to learn more.
2. Communicate.
Tell each other everything and share day-to-day struggles, hopes, and dreams. Share the silly stuff, too. Don’t keep hurts bottled up inside or become bitter. Talk it out, always.
3. Date each other.
We try to go on a date every week. It doesn’t always happen, and when our kids were little it definitely didn’t, but we make it our aim to have this time together. It makes such a difference in keeping joy and fun alive instead of getting bogged down by the stresses of life.
4. Have shared hobbies & your own passions.
I consider myself blessed that we love many of the same things: nature, travel, thrifting, art, and even watching regency period dramas (how lucky am I?!). But we also have our own journeys and things that light us up separately, and this is a joy. He tinkers on old cars while I do my food blogging thing, and it keeps us both happy!
5. Always say “I’m sorry.”
Yes we fight and have had to apologize more times than we can count, but we pretty much never go to bed angry. Thankfully I can’t rest until things are resolved, so “I’m sorry” is an essential part of our vocabulary.
6. Pray for and with each other.
I try to pray for my husband daily and we’ve recently started praying together before bed. Wish we’d done this years ago, but better late than never.
7. Be their biggest cheerleader.
We’ve both gone through some tough times and through it all, we never stop believing in each other. We defend one another when necessary, and always say, “I believe in you.”
8. Sacrifice for them.
This is the one my husband has done so beautifully for me, and I don’t feel I’ve always been able to match up to. To continually put another person before yourself, to sacrifice your desires and wishes for someone else — this is true love. I pray I can be more like him in this.
To that 20 year old girl, thank you for marrying young. And to the young ladies thinking about doing the same: it truly is a gift. There are many blessings to be had. Seek God’s will in all you do, and He will see you through.
Us today after nearly 20 years.
Did you marry young? If you’re married, will you please share your best advice in the comments?
